It’s For Your Own Good, Really

In an effort to shore up the failing world of stock car racing, the Obama administration has announced it is taking control of NASCAR effective immediately.  “God knows what people see in a bunch of rednecks driving in circles,” a spokesperson said while breaking the news at a press conference interrupted thirty-seven times by standing ovations from the media in attendance.  “But when we heard this was a multi-billion dollar business that wasn’t doing as well as it had been, naturally we had to become involved.  After all, who knows better how to run something than us?”

Despite the administration’s admitted unfamiliarity with NASCAR, the spokesperson insisted this would not be a problem.  “Banks, auto industry… look, we’ve already got money and cars covered.  What else is there to know?  Mash the gas pedal and go.  No big.”

A series of changes to the series will be immediately implemented.  These include:

• Redistribution of salaries and sponsorship money in order to create a more equitable pay situation for all involved.  “We don’t care how popular this Dale Earnhardt Jr. is,” the spokesperson sniffed.  “Look at where he is in the standings.  Obviously he’s not earning everything he’s getting.  Ship some over to Dave Blaney and David Gilliland.  It’s only fair.”
• The aggressive implementation of a diversity program among the drivers.  Starting this Saturday at the all-star race, Danica Patrick and reigning F1 champion Lewis Hamilton will be part of the NASCAR scene.  “Obviously we’d prefer if Ms. Patrick were more modest in her choice of apparel, but we’re willing to overlook that,” stated the spokesperson.  He added that Hamilton was being sent by the British government as a gift in exchange for DVDs with the correct region code this time.  When asked whether Hamilton had any objections to the change in racing series the spokesperson replied, “Not really.  Monte Carlo, Martinsville… what’s the difference?  He’s too busy driving to do any sightseeing anyway.  Besides, we have it on good authority he can’t wait to try one of those hot dogs.”  A question about the drivers ability to adapt to the different car was immediately met with this assertion: “C’mon.  Four wheels is four wheels.  What possible difference could there be?  If anything this’ll be way easier for both of them.  Only have to worry about turning right twice a year.  See?  It’ll be half the work!  They’ll be grateful.”
• The redirection of prize winnings, with 80% of all monies paid out going to the UAW benefits fund.  “These are the people who build the cars,” the spokesperson thundered.  “It’s only right they should share in the reward for their being raced for profit.”  When informed that there is in fact nothing stock in what NASCAR runs as the cars are built by hand by their respective teams the spokesperson replied, “Oh.  Look, let’s kind of keep that under our hat, okay gang?”  The media immediately agreed.
• The announcement that Digger is now covered by the Endangered Species Act listing computer animated gophers as being threatened with extinction.
• The appointment of John Daly as NASCAR media czar.  “He has everything the job requires,” the spokesperson noted.  “He’s an expert because he says he is, he takes offense whenever someone looks at him sideways, he has an opinion on every little everything, he acts like he’s the divinely appointed savior, he pretends to be the people’s champion when in truth he wants it to be all about him, he needs to be the center of attention 24/7, and he follows the President on Twitter.  What more do you need for a government gig?”
• The mandate that all cars be converted by 2010 to using renewable energy.  “You know what kind of carbon footprint these things are leaving?  Some solar panels on the roof will take care of that.  Besides, angle ‘em right and they’ll act as a spoiler.”

“It’s like this,” the spokesperson said in conclusion.  “We’re the government.  We know what’s best.  Sure, there’ll be some hollering from drivers and team owners — who are on notice, by the way, that we reserve the right to nationalize them if they don’t play ball.  It’s like the good old days before AT&T was broken up.  Remember, we don’t care.  We don’t have to.  We’re the phone company… er, government.”