MEMO
TOP SECRET
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Agent Jones
It has come to our attention a large gathering of individuals considered extremely dangerous will take place this weekend somewhere in Alabama. Please infiltrate and report.
FROM: Agent Jones
TO: Supervisor Smith
Huh? What are you talking about? Do you have any more details?
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Agent Jones
You’re the field agent. You dig up the details. Just make sure you’re up on your vaccinations first.
FROM: Agent Jones
TO: Supervisor Smith
Whatever. Okay, I’ll look around.
FROM: Agent Jones
TO: Supervisor Smith
You’re right. There is something big going on. I’m going undercover. Using “Bubba” identity. Will report back ASAP.
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Agent Jones
Further information has come in. Be on the lookout for something known solely by the code phrase “Big One.”
FROM: Agent Jones
TO: Supervisor Smith
Any further information on what this “big one” might be?
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Agent Jones
You’re the one on site. You tell me.
FROM: Agent Jones
TO: Supervisor Smith
Thanks for the support. /sarcasm off
Okay, here’s what I’ve got so far. I’ve managed to win the confidence of several of the possible extremists. Despite their dangerous nature, they’re quite friendly if not altogether trusting of strangers who don’t swear allegiance to their leader. More on him in a bit.
The extremists are highly anti-ecologically minded, bearing particular malice against affection for flora. I base this conclusion on the tremendous number of times I’ve been asked “you’re not one of those (expletives deleted) bush lovers, are you?” This animosity extends to despising any garden, although the extremists pronounce it “gordon.”
Their leader is someone known only as “Junior.” He apparently is a highly iconic figure to the extremists, as to a one they have some kind of apparel bearing his likeness. Also, they are extremely fond of the color green, as most all are wearing something with said color featured. Also, there is some kind of numerology involved, as the number eighty-eight is everywhere.
The exact nature of the “big one” is still unknown, but apparently it’s something to avoid as to a one they say they sure hope this Junior doesn’t get caught in the “big one.” Will investigate further.
It looks like there’s some kind of automotive event involved, although I haven’t seen any yet.
I may be incommunicado for a while as I’ve been invited to join the extremists in their secret meeting place which they call “infield.” Will contact when possible.
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Agent Jones
Roger that. Will stand by.
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Agent Jones
Has been several hours since your last report. Please check in.
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Agent Jones
Jones. Check in immediately.
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Agent Jones
JONES! Report!
FROM: Agent Jones
TO: Supervisor Smith
YEE-HAW! Now this is a par-tay! Me and my best buds are gettin’ to watch some racin’, boys! Just pounded down my third can of AMP in an hour, canyoutellcanyoutellhuhhuhhhuh? Restrictor plate racing RULES!!! ‘Dega time, bay-bee! JUUUNIORRRRR!!!!!
FROM: Supervisor Smith
TO: Former Agent Jones
Don’t bother coming by to clean out your desk. It’s already out in the parking lot. And quit calling us just to yell into the phone “DEGA!!!”
Brilliant.