Preview, Interrupted

This weekend, while the truckers take a nap the Cupsters and claims jumpers will pay their first visit of the year to Phoenix, an apt name as more than a few drivers are hoping their stay at the Valley of the Sun will see their season rebirthed from its present state as a pile of ashes.  The… wait a minute… what the… someone’s hacking into my blog!

We’re not someone.  We’re the government.

So what do you want with me?  And why are you here?

We’re monitoring for activity by extremist groups.

What extremist groups?  Sure, I try to be extremely weird at times, but still…

Don’t play dumb.  We know many individuals with ties to potential terrorist organizations are NASCAR fans.

You’re joking, right?

We’re the government.  We never joke.  And please, spare us the “you are one” line.  We’ve heard it before.

I can only imagine.  Now, do you mind if I continue my weekend preview?  I’m assuming freedom of speech is still in the Constitution.

Unfortunately.

WHAT?!!

Never mind Agent Smith.  He’s a tad overzealous.  Please, continue.

Thank you.  Anyway, as I was saying more than a few drivers are hoping Phoenix will mark the rebirth of their season, most noticeably Dale Earnhardt Jr. who needs to do something positive in order to shut up his critics.  Namely, win something.  Whether you’re a charter member of the Junior Nation or H8 88 Society, there’s no denying Dale Jr. is the straw that stirs the NASCAR drink.  When he’s doing well, people are happy.  Right now, he’s not.  He’s frustrated.  His fans are frustrated.  That frustration…

Ah, excuse us.  Please don’t incite people.

Incite people?  What are you talking about?

It’s well known that extremist groups are actively recruiting frustrated individuals for potential terrorist acts…

Oh, for the love of… look.  Just because Dale Jr. fans aren’t happy does not mean one or more of them are going to start blowing up things.  Although a few NASCAR fans would love to shove a stick of dynamite down one of Digger’s gopher holes…

Cruelty to animals is often an early indicator of terrorist leanings.

You know Digger is a cartoon, right?  Let me spell that out for you.  It’s.  A.  Cartoon.

We are aware of and monitoring the situation, yes.

Gee, I feel so safe.  Why are you looking at me and all NASCAR fans like we’re Lucifer incarnate anyway?

We reject such an analogy.  We separate church and state.

So I’ve noticed, but that doesn’t answer the question.  You’re acting like every NASCAR fan is a wacko nutjob flake ready to go Galt on the government.

We have reasons to be concerned.

Such as?

The NASCAR audience base is primarily white, middle class to lower middle class and is known to watch Chuck Norris movies.  This demographic is prone to follow the teachings of extremist leaders expressing a desire for the government to fail…

Hold it.  First off, all NASCAR fans aren’t conservatives; I know more than a few who are decidedly left-wing.  Second, you will not find a more patriotic, America-loving, flag-waving group of people anywhere than at a NASCAR race.  Just because many of us strongly disagree with the present administration and the way things are going in Washington…

Precisely the reason for our concern.  We are of the opinion that such opinions, especially when held by those already perturbed by this failure of one — hang on, let us check our notes for the name — ah, here it is, Dale Earnhardt Junior… hang on…

Yes?

Sorry for the delay; we were asking if anyone knew who this Dale Earnhardt Junior’s father was.  Anyway, to continue: we are of the opinion such mass meetings of like-minded individuals provide fertile recruitment areas for right-wing extremists who receive their instructions from Glenn Beck and similar agitators.  There is also the potential for mob mentality inciting violent behavior.  It’s one small step from throwing beer cans at Talladega to throwing Molotov cocktails at the Federal building.  Finally, there is the clear and present danger of firearms.

Now I know you’ve lost it.  Firearms?

You don’t think we noticed Jeff Gordon firing off six-shooters after his win in Texas Sunday before last?

Get off my blog.  Now. And before you leave, because I’m a nice guy I’ll mention for your edification how Phoenix is a tough little intermediate track that rewards drivers who know when to press the issue and when to lay back, which is why the favorites this Saturday are Jeff Gordon but even more so Jimmie Johnson who’s won the last three races here.

Yes, Mr. Johnson.  We have reports he has been known to carry out unauthorized repair work on public utilities…

Out!  NOW!!!

We’ll be watching this space, Mr. Dude.

And I’ll be watching you.