Somewhere in North Carolina…
“You wanted to see me, Mr. Team Owner sir?”
“Yes, budget overseer person. As you know, money is tight around here and we have to watch every penny.”
“I know.”
“We can’t afford any frivolous expenditures.”
“Okay, got it.”
“We have to make every dollar count!”
“Considering the size of my paycheck, that shouldn’t take long.”
“What?”
“Nothing. You were saying, sir?”
“We have got to keep a tight rein on what we’re spending each week. Especially going from track to track. We can’t be throwing cash away on any unnecessary bills.”
“So that’s why the team pre-race meal this past Sunday was at the local rescue mission.”
“I left them a donation.”
” I’m sure the good reverend appreciated being able to add the collected works of Pamela Britton to the church library.”
“Don’t get smart with me.”
“I know. We prefer to avoid smarts in this organization. Now, sir, about controlling expenses…”
“Yes, yes. As you know, the next race is at Las Vegas…”
“So I hear.”
“And since you’re in charge of protecting my money…”
“Considering how much we save on post-race celebrations since we never win, it’s quite safe.”
“… I want to know what you think you’re doing with all these expense account items you’ve approved!”
“Trying to not save on post-race celebrations by actually winning a race, sir.”
“And these items are going to help that how?!!”
“Do you have any specific examples, sir?”
“Why is our publicist going to Las Vegas?”
“To see if she can actually get someone to talk to Pancake instead of Dale Jr.”
“Who’s Pancake?”
“That would be your driver, although calling him a driver is a bit of a stretch.”
“And why are you calling him Pancake?”
“Because someone beat me to both ‘the wallslap king’ and ‘SAFER barrier boy.’ Are there any other expenses you’d like explained?”
“What’s this one for a motivational speaker?”
“The team needed a pep talk.”
“By Wanda LaLust at the Kitty Katt Klub?”
“She’s very inspirational.”
“What about the publicist?”
“She went to the Pecs of Steel Revue. Girls just wanna have fun, sir.”
“What’s this about new uniforms for the pit crew?”
“Just trying to get them into the spirit of the race location.”
“Why are they so expensive?”
“Fireproofing rhinestoned jumpsuits isn’t cheap.”
“Custom helmets?”
“Each molded to duplicate Elvis’ hairdo. Guaranteed extra on-air time for our sponsor. Assuming we’re not loading the car onto a wrecker before the first pit stop.”
“Look. We can’t be doing this sort of thing for every track we visit. Where’s the cost savings in all this?”
“Got it covered, sir.”
“How?”
“Haven’t spent a dime on hotel rooms for the crew.”
“But where are they going to sleep?”
“They’ve volunteered to not leave the Strip long enough to need a room.”
“Oh.”
